Everyday I feel like I’m trying to make sense of something which doesn’t have a sense at all to begin with. All this feels strange and untruth, and the uncertainty often brings me an agonizing desperation. Then I start remembering some chapters from the past, I remember how good some things have felt, and how bad they look to me right now. I realize somehow how hard it is to tell how things affect you at the moment and how they seems like a blurry photograph when you look too close at them. And as hard as it may seem, sometimes we just have to take a few steps back, take distance to see things more clearly. I know there are certain things that at the moment we think that’s all we want and need, because it is all we can see from that distance. It is what’s in front of us, so close it’s blocking our view and we can’t see what’s around.
I took a few steps back and I could see there was much more than what my eyes were seeing. There was another way, there was a whole picture, clearly, not blurry, but a high definition preview of all the options I still have on the way. As much as at the time I felt like I was only going backwards and being left behind, I see the importance of those steps backs now. I don’t have the answers to most of life’s questions either. And I know the sea may often look as if it were nothing but a vast, endless pool of emptiness and it gets darker and deeper. When that happens, just take a few steps back, and chill out. I know you might be anxious to know if you’re going to achieve your dreams at all. And that you may be tired of everything everyday. Like we’re swimming in circles and fighting exhaustion but we’re looking for this voice saying “keep going.” There’s pain and fear almost everywhere, it’s just part of the thrill. Just take time to listen, sometimes instead of saying “keep going” the voice is saying “slow down”.
You think I feel things too much, that I am intense and overreacting. You think I fall in love too quickly and that I want everything to be fast, at the time I want, or not at all. You think I let myself be influenced by other people too easily and that is why I am always unsatisfied. You think it would be better if I feel less, desire less, keep my heart sedated so I can hurt less. And save my energy to other things but fragile emotions.
But I must say with all my sentimental heart that I already know what is like to feel nothing at all. That I spent part of my life hurting myself, desperately wanting to feel something, anything, including pain.
I must say that when I want things fast it is because I know what it is like not to hurry any decision. And let life pass by with a catalog of options and not wanting any of them, cause nothing would actually make any difference. I must say that I hold on to any kind of emotion I have because I want to feel all the physical reactions of each part of my body. I must say I let myself be influenced because I want to experience all the different things in my way. I want to try the new and be able to tell what is good and what is bad for me. I must say I am always unsatisfied because I want to know what else I can do, where else I can be. I want to taste new things and smell new things and feel new winds.
I used to wake up and feel nothing, and go to school and feel nothing, and fight people and feel nothing, and kiss people and still feel nothing. I remember waking up and thinking: “Do I have to live another day, again? For what purpose? There is nothing out there for me.” I wanted something. I took a spoon and burned it on the stove. And slowly I was approaching to my skin, and I was feeling the warm and it was getting warmer, it was so hot, it was burning the inside of my thighs and I thought: “This is something“.
And today I don’t need to burn my body to feel anything. Because I feel everything too much. All at the same time, and sometimes I wish it could stop it, because there is this war inside of me that I don’t know how to deal with it. But it is that war that makes me who I am, since I started to feel. Everyday I think: “Well, this is something.”
Adormeci dentro de ti
Onde cabem duas pessoas
Mas toda vez que insisto em ficar
Encontro um vazio
E uma razão para voltar
Estou sentindo saudades de mim
Não quero mais dormir sozinho
Não pense que sou superfície
Sou de Lua
Sou silêncio e gritaria
Do mar calmo e revolto
Sou movimento e quietude
Em busca de um bem-estar
Sou pensamento que não compartilho
Não confio e não me dôo
Tsunami de calor
Sou sol de rachar no verão
Instabilidade e depressão
Se achou meu ego grande é porque ainda não viu o tamanho da minha
I’m like the moon and you are the darkness around me.
I let you embrace myself
Cold and silent
I am asking for peace
And Im swimming in your deep
Deep endless soul
Confusing and agonizing
I say I feel like dancing
Unstable and realizing
Im swimming in your deep
Deep endless darkness
Controlling my dreams
To take you to the beach
To the ocean inside of me
Like Im the moon
and you are the darkness around me.
Im tryina fall asleep
Eu sempre retorno a este estado de espírito, instável e insegura.
A mudança repentina de “estou bem, eu vou conseguir sobreviver hoje” para “eu não sou capaz e nunca serei feliz” leva exatos 3 segundos.
Sinto-me como o mar, os pensamentos que me tomam são ressaca, e o gosto de água salgada na boca encontram o caminho do meu estômago formando uma angústia sem explicação.
Se estou bem, não tenho dúvidas de que em questão de tempos a ansiedade tomará conta de todas as energias em mim presentes.
Procuro olhar em volta e notar a existência de mundos inteiros além do meu. Focar em sobreviver a esta maré revolta, porque sei que a calmaria existe após a confusão.
Imagino vidas, crio histórias, sorrisos e olhares. Vivo aventuras em realidades diferentes, perdida dentro da própria mentalidade.
Perdidamente iludida, insatisfeita e infeliz.
Mas cegamente disposta a acreditar que todo amor dentro de mim é possível.
Existe em mim uma força
de dentro pra fora
Uma dor que vem do fundo e demora
Uma angústia que não vai embora
E toma todo o meu ser
Existe em mim uma vontade
De não precisar mais viver esse dia
E deitar até os olhos fecharem
E existe em mim um desejo de paz
Que me encoraja a viver um dia a mais
Sem sentir que cada hora do dia
Que me faz sofrer
Me ensina um pouco mais da vida
Existe em mim uma guerra constante
Entre não saber e não querer
Pois existe em mim a ânsia de ter
Tudo o que eu não tenho
Só por ter
E preencher o vazio que hoje dá lugar para a dor que vem do fundo
Existe mim uma aversão de ser quem eu sou
E um querer em ser outra pessoa
Para preencher um vazio que não é meu
Que vem de dentro de outro alguém
Que não sou mais eu