You think I feel things too much, that I am intense and overreacting. You think I fall in love too quickly and that I want everything to be fast, at the time I want, or not at all. You think I let myself be influenced by other people too easily and that is why I am always unsatisfied. You think it would be better if I feel less, desire less, keep my heart sedated so I can hurt less. And save my energy to other things but fragile emotions.
But I must say with all my sentimental heart that I already know what is like to feel nothing at all. That I spent part of my life hurting myself, desperately wanting to feel something, anything, including pain.
I must say that when I want things fast it is because I know what it is like not to hurry any decision. And let life pass by with a catalog of options and not wanting any of them, cause nothing would actually make any difference. I must say that I hold on to any kind of emotion I have because I want to feel all the physical reactions of each part of my body. I must say I let myself be influenced because I want to experience all the different things in my way. I want to try the new and be able to tell what is good and what is bad for me. I must say I am always unsatisfied because I want to know what else I can do, where else I can be. I want to taste new things and smell new things and feel new winds.
I used to wake up and feel nothing, and go to school and feel nothing, and fight people and feel nothing, and kiss people and still feel nothing. I remember waking up and thinking: “Do I have to live another day, again? For what purpose? There is nothing out there for me.” I wanted something. I took a spoon and burned it on the stove. And slowly I was approaching to my skin, and I was feeling the warm and it was getting warmer, it was so hot, it was burning the inside of my thighs and I thought: “This is something“.
And today I don’t need to burn my body to feel anything. Because I feel everything too much. All at the same time, and sometimes I wish it could stop it, because there is this war inside of me that I don’t know how to deal with it. But it is that war that makes me who I am, since I started to feel. Everyday I think: “Well, this is something.”